Welcome to our fine outpost. We've been hearing some strange stuff from up the river, but we haven't received any information for some time. I'll pass that last message along in a moment. But first, there's is the usual interoffice drivel:

Columns:
Chris Jungle goes off
A screed from the dear departed Uncle Steve

Here's that strange little thing that turned up some time back. I hope it makes sense to you.

A two-story sagging red brick with blue wood trimming monstrosity stood gaping at the staff of Lies. Consisting of six bedrooms, two baths, huge amounts of open space, an indoor chapel, a broken greenhouse, and backyard parking, it was both wondrous and horrifying at the same time. The appraiser listed the property at $97,000. It was built in the 1920s, five blocks below Central, near downtown. The place needed a lot of work. Possibly even more than Uncle Steve had set aside for that purpose. But it was the property of Lies Magazine, and the crew (consisting of Mattman, Aaron, Lisa, Nina, Willy, Chris and Jenn) took a couple walks around the outside of the property, noticed the cracks and peelings and water stains, shrugged and went inside.

"Hardwood floors--fucking cool," was Mattman's first response to the large living area just inside the front porch. Rust colored radiators, peeling wallpaper dating back to sometime before the atomic age, and remnents of a long gone fireplace were other wonderful aspects of the large living area. "We're gonna have to get a few large rugs. Keep this place cozy," Lisa said, taking a quick survey of the new surroundings. "I'm gonna head upstairs and claim my room." She was gone in seconds.

"You didn't know about this, did you?" Aaron asked his brother, Mattman.

"No man. I thought he was still pissed at us about the whole Goofy thing."

Jenn Eks strolled up to the brothers from the kitchen. "Are all the rooms up for grabs?"

"Well, there are six of them, according to the appraisal. Are you in need of a new place to live, or do you just want something cheap?" Mattman asked.

"Cheap. I need a cheap place." Jenn smiled when she said this, putting her hand on Mattman's shoulder. After a few seconds, Mattman noticed the hand and pushed it away.

"Well, maybe we can convert the chapel into a room. It's right through there," Mattman pointed at a doorway off the living room.

Jenn rubbed Mattman's head and scooted through the appointed door.

"What's up with her?" Mattman asked Aaron.

"Don't know. I guess she's in heat or something."

"Oh my God!" Jenn's voice shouted through the chapel door. Aaron and Mattman stare at the chapel door for a second. "I'm gonna go get a room," Aaron said, heading for the stairs.

"I get the big one--unless Lisa's got it already," Mattman said to his brother's retreating back. "Then I get second biggest." With that Mattman, joined by Chris and Willy, entered the chapel.

"Check this out!" Jenn exclaimed. Jenn was sitting beneath a large wall-sized stained glass window, straddling a foot and a half foot bong. The bowl was smoking and a faint smell of pot was in the air.

"When did you get that bong?" Chris asked, hurriedly joining Jenn on the floor. Willy and Mattman looked at each other, saying nothing.

"It was hidden in the corner over there. There's a little brass label on it that says, 'All those of cloudy mind suck to your hearts content.' So I lit the bad boy up!"

"The fucking Neverending Bowl bong!" Chris exclaimed. "She found the fabled Neverending Bowl bong! It is said that the Neverending Bowl bong never runs out of pot!"

"Yeah!" Jenn yelled, spraying spit into the air in her enthusiasm.

"That would explain the name," Mattman said with amusement.

"It says to keep the bong full, I have to keep the bowl smoking. I've finally got the coolest job in the world!" The burble of bubbling bong water filled the air as Jenn demonstrated her new vocation. "And it's self cleaning!"

Chris, handling the bong with the greatest of tenderness, took his own hit.

"I guess this is the smoking room," Willy said. He grinned and headed out the chapel door. "I'm gonna make sure Nina gets the smallest room."

"Me and Jenn are gonna camp out here in the Chapel, if that's cool with you, Matt," Chris said, handing the Neverending Bowl bong back to Jenn.

"Knock yourselves out. I've got to make sure I'm not rooming with Nina. She listens to that Lilith Fair crap all the time."

art by GAK

Head back out onto the river
Go directly to Presidio Crossing

When you've completed the mission, you may return and file your report.
You can also head off to the Lies page
or the A&A base page.