Where It is All Going
An Understood Babble Column by Chris Jungle
I was hoping to string out my views about the human existence over many columns to come, but a memo came across my desk that the end is nigh--so I better wrap it all up. I'm sorry I have to be so blunt, but due to space constraints, the first thing to go is the sugar coating.
First prediction: Class Warfare. The reason this will happen has nothing to do with the rich hating the poor or visa versa. The simple truth is that while the poor are deprived of many benefits, they still can have sex as much as they want. While the rich and middle class usually stop at two or three offspring, the poor have no qualms about putting six or seven kids in a household. Don't take any racial assumptions from this because the poor will have a lot of sex and babies no matter what their skin color is. As the poor population grows and opportunities stay constant, they will demand better conditions for no good reason. Ugliness ensues, riots and copy cat riots occur, and the world will be shocked and bewildered. The media, however, will do in depth reports on how such atrocities could have been avoided so the rich will have someone to blame. But don't worry, this is all about forty years away.
Second prediction: The Christian Coalition will attempt to secede from the union. I don't know what part they will want exactly, but I bet it will include the Carolinas. The CC will get fed up with their agendas getting shot down by Congress and claim God wants us all to start over with a new country. Lots of deaths in the name of the Lord will occur-- until the National Guard mows them all down in the name of Uncle Sam. Again, lots of great media coverage and exclusive interviews with the Guns for Jesus sects. Probably about twenty-five years away.
Third Prediction: The United States buys the Third World. Not officially, of course, but the USA will offer to put a Las Vegas in every country that wants one--as long as the country agrees to be a capitalist democracy. Mexico will be first on the list, along with all of Africa, and non-China controlled Asia. The Muslim Middle East will hold out the longest until the US agrees to throw in free women in bikinis. Colombia will decline because they will have the ultimate capitalist society due to a national takeover by the drug cartels. China will continue to be the exception--they will be pretty much a capitalist society but allowed to beat the crap out of its people if they want. It's still a good half century away though.
Fourth Prediction: A new disease will crop up and kill off one sixth of the population. If you fuck with nature enough, nature will fuck back. The reason the dinosaurs lasted for millions of years was because they left nature alone. We'll go into a some deep, dark part of the jungle and come out with something that makes the Ebola virus look like chicken pox. People will blame homosexuals, minorities, foreigners, prostitutes, midgets, and any other group they don't like for the epidemic. Coming in only ten years!
Fifth Prediction: Credit replaces money. Most money transactions are done electronic already, and people are grumbling about the penny's significance. It's only fitting that the society goes plastic, and impressing people will consist of how many credit cards a person can throw down. Even with the change over, people still won't realize money is just a concept and only valuable if others accept its worth. Fifteen years until acceptance.
There's a lot of other things I'd like to explain, but you'll have to settle for just the predictions and ponder about how I came to such conclusions. I may not be Nostradomus, but that doesn't mean I can't guess just as good.
Random Predictions: 1) Pop music will be reduced to the same lyrics sung in different ways. 2) The Kansas City Chiefs will win another Super Bowl. 3) Love will beat the demon. 4) Television will charge to baby-sit children. 5) All public areas will have video cameras. 6) Handwriting will become obsolete. 7) Russia will be the hip, new vacation area for the wealthy (oh yeah, and Cuba). 8) A woman presidential candidate will use a sex scandal to get herself elected. 9) Aliens will come down to earth and leave quickly without saying good-bye. 10) The apocalypse will come but won't live up to the hype. 11) Everyone will go clinically insane but no one will realize it because we'll all be insane.
Other than that, it will be just like Brave New World. Good night, everybody. Thanks for playing.
Chris Jungle can no longer be contacted due to death or something else icky like that.