These came quite innocently into the author's possession after just a few weeks of rooting through Stephen King's trash. The author would like everyone to know that Mr. King leaves no prescription drugs worth taking in his garbage and that his security guards are kind of mean, surly and physical.

Idea for a novel: Constant bombardment by Doppler radar has caused strange mutations in the animals of the Earth, who become sentient and worship the divine entity El Nino. They also become mindless killers. We publish it as a six part serial at $2.25 per part, and then sell the whole thing for $17, and then $12. Big money!

Movie with Wil Wheaton: A bunch of kids living in small town America come under the influence of Postal Clerks and gun nuts. They become homicidal school children who go on a killing rampage. Of course they lose their virginity and bond as friends and all that crap you know. Shooting! Gutter talk from teenagers! Gore, gore, gore! Wheaton's too old. Call DiCaprio's agent.

Notes towards a collaboration with Anne Rice: April Fools! She wishes I'd collaborate with her.

Notes towards a collaboration with John Grisham: Called "Jesus Christ, Kenneth Starr." A theological legal thriller where Jesus comes back as a homicidal maniac to kill an out of control prosecutor. Call Nicholson.

Idea for a Russian novel: Publish it serially. Thirty three parts at $2.50 each! Trotsky, with an ice pick buried in his head, comes back for revenge. He pulls the ice pick from his head to use as his weapon and then puts it back when he's done murdering Leninists. Maybe it's an enchanted ice pick which give political figures the power to avenge their deaths. Think "The Crow" in a frozen wasteland. Blood stands out well against snow. Fargo with different accents!

Notes for a Broadway musical about JonBenet Ramsey: Based on the Who's Tommy. She's the pageant winner, she's just a little kid, she's the pageant winner, why is she so cute? Why are wrists so supple? Who did her make up? See me, feel me, touch me, kill me! Surprise! It was the mailman!

The second page was lost when King's guards pounced upon me. Stay tuned because next time, I plan to interview Anne Rice's parrot.

Mike Maiello did the rooting out of the truth in this piece.

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