Lies Guide To Being A Celebrity Stalker

Have you ever wondered what it was like to be next to a celebrity? To be treated like a human being by people who are demi-gods? Maybe you've thought of having sex with someone on MTV or in the movies? C'mon, sure you have. Those fleeting thoughts that run through your head as you watch Mariah Carey swing in her oh-so-conveniently-placed-by-the-lake tree swing. And you've been to a concert, right? Haven't you always wanted to be the person that Bruce Springsteen pulls up on stage (Then you can be on a couple of hit sitcoms, and a movie with Jim Carrey!), or the one Jon Bon Jovi is pointing to when he sings "I'll be there for you!" That's right, it's everyone's dream, but what are you doing about it? Are you even close to taking the steps to make your dream a reality? Well, we here at Lies are going to show you the simple steps you must take to become a celebrity stalker. It's all uphill from here, baby!

1. Be selective. You can't lust after every beautiful famous person. There has to be a selection process involved. You should pick someone you feel a personal connection to. Remember that you want to make an impression, so it might be necessary to discard hopes of stalking huge stars (Madonna, Eddie Vedder, and David Letterman all have numerous stalkers--try to be original.). Pick a supporting player on your favorite sit-com (it doesn't have to be a hit show--just one that you like), or maybe the drummer of your favorite band (drummers hardly ever have admirers of any kind--besides other drummers). It only matters that they are famous (which means being on TV, in a movie or in a band with a recording contract--local bands don't count, that would make you just a creepy groupie), because the fact that they are famous will make you well-known. Oh yeah, novelists and writers are not celebrities (thus should not be stalked)--nobody reads anymore. And remember, you can only be truly dedicated to one famous person. Nobody likes wishy-washy stalkers.

2. Find out where they live.* This might be a relatively simple process. Many people or companies sell addresses of famous people (or their agents) for nominal amounts (remember, this is your life's work, so please don't be stingy with the buckage). If you can't find a personal address, there is always the time honored tradition of writing companies that pay famous people (TV & movie studios, networks, record companies, etc.), but everyone knows that letters sent to those places are thrown away by jealous mail room nerds. Another, more time consuming and possibly dangerous, way of finding out would be to go door to door in the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area and ask if anyone famous lives at each residence. There are also large concentrations in New York City, Santa Fe, and the state of Montana.

*For celebrities of the musical persuasion, go to every concert played by your celebrity's band as you can. Get good seats and try to get backstage after the show. Blow jobs usually work on bouncers, but many frown upon getting such favors from other guys. If you are male, be prepared with your wallet and not your mouth. Once backstage, remember that many people want to get close to your chosen celebrity, so be careful to keep better-looking people away once you've got your celeb cornered. If you're at this stage, you can probably skip the next section, although it's always good to know all of the steps.

3. Write a personal letter outlining why you would like to be a part of your chosen celebrity's life. This should be as detailed and meticulous as possible. Tell about the first time they made you quiver with anticipation. Tell them about the bed-wetting problem you had until you were seven. Tell them about the dog that died, and the cat that is still living. Tell them that you love them and would do anything to be close to them. Send provocative articles of clothing along with the letter--that's how Luke Perry chose a wife! Get as close as you can to actually touching them, but remember, it's a letter, so use good grammar. That kind of thing could come back to haunt you later.

4. Try to visit them uninvited. This is pretty self-explanatory. Basically, the point is to surprise them. So much of a celebrity's life is planned out and written down, they will appreciate it. Celebrities love surprises!

5. Take rebuffs very personally. Remember, you're a person too. Just because they're making a lot of money and are in the news or on TV all the time doesn't mean they're more important than you or your feelings. You love them, they should realize and accept that. There is no reason for a celebrity to throw you in jail.* Complain to everyone who will listen, including grocery store rumor rags, your friends and Extra. Make that celebrity realize what a bad decision it was to say no to your advances.

*Well, if you try to hurt them or tresspass onto their property or break some other law, that would be a reason to throw you in jail. But if they really loved you they would cover it up and let you go without pressing charges. 6. If they won't let your be their lover or friend, try to kill them. That's right! How dare they cast you aside purely because they have no idea who you are. If you were a celebrity like them, they'd love having you around. You could probably sleep with them if they liked you enough, but no! They don't want you around at all, so the only thing left to do is replace their life with yours. Everyone will realize when you kill them that you should have been famous instead. Everyone will thank you for saving the world from another pretentious and phony celebrity. You will be hailed as the savior of humankind. You will be famous.*
*In many states, murder is illegal. Please consult local ordinances before proceeding with this step.

Things to think about before starting your quest. a) Threatening to kill the President is a federal crime, thus it is really hard to stalk him. The Secret Service is very tough about this. And realize that anyone who is obsessed with the president is not thought of as a legitimate stalker--they are considered idiots. Please stay away from the President, he's a public servant and only makes $200,000 a year. b) Many times even the best stalkers get ignored by everyone. When this happens, the only way to make headlines is to kill yourself. While this would deprive you of seeing the flower of your germination, just think of the big picture Rolling Stone will run a picture of you when you're dead. c) There is not much money in stalking. You should probably have a job of some kind on the side. d) Many stalkers have very little sex, but then so do a lot of married people, I hear. e)A lot of them are just fucking bonkers, too--the stalkers. Maybe the married people, as well. f) Oh yeah, you didn't read this here. Tell people you had a message from God or something. Or aliens, yeah, that would work. Or, better yet, blame the music you listen to a lot. Or MTV. Wait, blame 60 Minutes. Nobody ever blames 60 Minutes.

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