Death is never as final as it seems...
October 19 was a sad but special day in the history of Lies. Our esteemed Editor-In-Chief, Matt Worley, overdosed on heroin and died--but the conspiracy theories have just begun. In the months leading up to the overdose, Matt had become rather overbearing and paranoid about the magazine, and it was discovered that many of the staff planned to mutiny on Election Day and overthrow Matt--leaving his younger brother, Aaron, as the successor. While details of the takeover were never totally revealed, Aaron was seen with a group of anti-glam rock guerrillas, and it's likely that these people were behind the death. A supposed insider at the mutiny meetings said that Aaron objected to the way plans for the assassination were proceeding. The Damn Nice Editor was reported to scream "This whole fucking plan reeks of the plot line from Caligula, and I'm not getting laid!"
When Matt died many accusations surfaced. Most thought he was deliberately poisoned solely by his younger brother, who had decided the guerrillas would never come up with a good plan. Their best ideas were ripped off from B movies. Although the heroin overdose in itself was cliché, some insiders to the magazine said Aaron believed it would spark media interest and make Lies a household name. What actually occurred because of the death of the popular editor was much less positive. All news broadcasts agreed not to mention Lies, its inner problems, or the staff's hasty exit from the Florida area--only weeks before a large riot in St. Petersburg--for fear of popularizing a magazine that may have killed its managing editor in the name of blatant self promotion.
Problems continued to mount for the magazine when it was not clear who was in charge. The day after Matt's memorial service, the Vice Editor and former Presidential candidate, Steve Brambach, ran around telling anyone who would listen, "I'm in charge! Swear me in! Swear me in! How do I get into the mag's funds?" Jon Worley, head of the east coast office, refused to send any mail to Albuquerque, suspecting Aaron had something to do with the overdose. Record labels and advertisers scoffed at the legitimacy of anyone's claim to the throne of Lies [other than Matt] and cut off all contact.
Apparently, the final straw for the takeover came when the anti-glam guerrillas tried to pull information out of the main computer. The hard drive was rigged so that any incorrect extraction of data would cause a meltdown within the system. Even from the grave, Matt laughed about his little booby traps.
On November 1st, the guerrillas had broken off all attempts at securing the Lies documents, Steve refused to go on any assignments, and rent was due at the Albuquerque office. Aaron sat up all night working mathematical equations and finally came up with a way for two wrongs to make a right. He decided to call upon the powers of a religion that he did not believe in and phoned a voodoo woman who was a close friend of the family. She said she could make Matt a zombie which would allow him to perform all of the duties he used to when he was alive.
There were two catches to the process. First, Matt would not be able to gain any new skills for the rest of his zombie life and, therefore, was doomed to work with only the skills he had before his overdose. This meant he could never hold a regular job and would be forced to write screenplays, novels, and edit Lies. The other catch was that since Aaron was responsible for ending his brother's life, Matt's death would be transferred onto another life form which the perpetrator cared for greatly. This is process is similar to drinking the Water of Life in Dune. This is all that can be revealed about the voodoo life-reviving process.
On November 4th (Election Day Eve), Matt Worley called the police to report that "The Afterlife is the biggest con ever put on the human species." The authorities were not amused, but they did change his records to say he was once again alive. Steve apologized for his attempt at ruling the magazine, record companies started sending CDs again, and things settled down as they were before. When Matt called the head of the West Coast office, Scott Parkinson, to explain he was alive, the response was "You were dead?"
Matt now has a lifetime hold on the Editor-In-Chief position if he so chooses regardless of how paranoid or deranged he becomes, but all in all is not bitter about the fiasco because he still got to vote. Aaron, on the other hand, keeps to himself, often mumbling about his Mexican palm tree that died on Election Day and how the world is full of figureheads. So basically, it's like nothing happened at all.
Web Editor's Note: The palm tree in question was not harmed at any time during the preparation of this piece. Go sic your plants rights nonsense on someone who cares!
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