Give Them What They Want!
by the editors
I will say right off that this idea was not an original one. A comedian who was on Politically Incorrect said this first...I just don't remember exactly who it was. So, with apologies to that person who figured out this strategy first, I will relate what should be done, as federal policy, to any militant separatist groups who want to claim their little homesteads as separate countries away from the laws and protection of the United States Government.
For all of those crazy militant groups (who seem to be mostly in the Northwest area of this country, although there is a nice little group in Catron County here in good old New Mexico), we should go ahead and grant them sovereignty over their small acreage of land. The Freemen (not the Freman warriors of Dune...they don't have the right equipment) have about nine acres they want to call their own. I once lived on an eight acre plot at the edge of town. I'll tell you this...it's not that much fucking land.
So we can just let them go stir crazy on their little area of personal freedom. Trust me, within six months, they'll want back in. And then they can be arrested. After granting them sovereignty, treat them like they are a country we (as a government) hate (like Cuba). After all, they wanted to secede, that means they don't want good diplomatic relations with the country as far as I'm concerned. Some finer points to this argument are as follows:
- Cut off their utilities. All of these services (except possibly generators, but they'll have to buy gas sometime) are provided by companies in the United States, don't let them sell to the new country.
- Have a trade embargo against the new country. This means they can't buy food, gas, ammunition, or anything else they need to stay in their little compound.
- Guard the border. It's only nine acres (or so), we're talking a force of twenty or so. That's nothing compared to what is set up around Canadian and Mexican borders.
- If the new country turns violent, declare war. A nice and legal way to blow the living shit out of this little uprising.