Lies Guide To "Selling Out" in the Music Business

As everyone in social circles knows, you're only as cool as your last record purchase. To make sure that you, the reader, are up on the correct way to buy music, we offer this list of guidelines. Remember to take this with you on your next trip to the local record store (That's right, local record store. Even though their prices are three to four dollars above the big chains, it is way cooler to buy the new Beck at a local record store. See, we're helping you already!).

Green Day: Contrary to popular Readers' Polls, Green Day has not sold out. If you listen to all four of their CD's, you'll realize they haven't changed a bit since their days on Lookout! Records.

Jon Spencer: Even though he did sign a contract with Geffen (under the name Jonathan Spencer as part of the band Boss Hog), the Blues Explosion is still on Matador (we think) and in his off time he's produced such cool bands as the Cheater Slicks from Boston. Not Sold Out!!!

U2: You thought that Batman Forever single really sucked? Well, you're right, but this band is keeping on the cutting edge. Instead of staying in the same blues-based pseudo-political music they churned out in the 80s, these Dublin-eers have branched into techno and ambient music...very avant garde. "Keep fucking up the mainstream," Bono said at an industry awards ceremony. That's right buddy-thumbs up!

Hootie & the Blowfish: Doth my ears deceive me or does selling 12 million copies of a debut record make a sell out? No way! They're the same country bumpkins they were a year ago. And that name? So cool, so cool. Their A & R rep says the next album is "a departure." Get in line now, kids. These guys have not sold out!

Metallica: The undisputed heavyweight kings of heavy-fucking-metal? Did you hear the last album...classic man, classic. And the all-black album cover with the snake that curled into a "666" motif? These guys are non-conformist all the way. And when the new album comes out (sale date: sometime before 2000) we will celebrate. Of course, they may have to tour a few more times before getting it done, but that's just a treat for us-the cool record buyers.

Liz Phair: The tough girl got married?? Sold out, kids. Go buy the Alanis record-at least she's got a backbone.

Frank Zappa: He dies and his sales go through the roof. Sold out. Who needs that kind of revolution anyway?

John Coltrane: The Giant gets praise from every person he played with. Sold out, my sax brethren. Was clean for most of his life and still died at 41. Falling in line with every other jazz god of the time. It's so cliche.

Jerry Garcia: Old Grandpa Captain Tripps kicks it, but he died high, man. That's the way to go. Don't miss the Deadapalooza tour this summer!

Bush: So what if they sound like Nirvana on Prozac...that's what we need these days. We can't have our manic-depressant musicians killing themselves when they hit an occasional bottom. P.S. the lead singer may be going out with Courtney Love...pick up the pieces, baby!

Oasis vs. Blur: Just like Poison vs. Guns N' Roses in the old days. Or Motley Crue vs. Guns N' Roses. Or SPIN vs. Guns N' Roses. We need more spitting and stabbing between bands. There could be a new show on MTV "Unstrapped" when rival bands go at it mano a mano.

Elastica: What can I say about this band except that I can't really say anything about this band or its lead singer because of a possible law suit. She sure is cute when she's pissed off, though...damn, here comes the Subpoena.

Henry Rollins: Hank sells his soul for bit parts in movies, sold out spoken word tours and Grammy's. But he's got all those tattoos. But most of the time he's just talking about himself. But it's funny. Oh, I'm so confused. Can we have a ruling on this? [murmuring and bickering in the editorial room] He doesn't do drugs! Sold out!

R.E.M.: Everyone in the band is dying from going out on tour. Is this R.E.M. or the Rolling Stones? Or does it really matter? Sold out!

Wilco & Son Volt: When they were together and called Uncle Tupelo, no one gave a shit. Now they've thinned their creative forces and have come up golden. Can you say sold out? No? Okay, then. Be that way.

Mighty Mighty Bosstones: They were prominently featured in Clueless. They were the opening band of Lollapalooza '95. They gave me beer and treated me nice (except for the guy who kept hitting me with the ping pong ball). And then there's the fact that they aren't selling well (still). Which would seem to mean...they're a sell out? Jesus, who's judging this shit anyway?

Soul Asylum: I wish people would quit bugging Dave about his credibility. So what if he's going out with the most-desired actress of our generation. So what if they fired their alcoholic drummer. So what if former Lies copy editor Jennee [name deleted] spurned his affections when she was 15 because he was "way ugly." This has nothing to do with the music. I mean, damn, the guy's getting an ulcer from all this bullshit. Just quit it! Right now! No snickering in the back.

Aerosmith: Have you ever noticed how beautiful Steven Tyler's daughter is?

Blind Melon: Lead singer dies from heroin overdose. It's been done.

The Doors: That movie was just a trip, wasn't it?

The Beatles: Now, why did people give a shit about this band? The hair? You've got to be kidding. I mean, I looked like that when I was five and people thought I was a girl.

Billy's Gun: The lead singer allegedly kills the lead guitarist and backup singer in a fit of rage, produces a 17-year-old girl [allegedly a prostitute] who substantiates his alibi claim that he was in a `heroin coma' during the time of the shooting and then fires the rest of the band, calling them 'weenies.' So overdone, it's silly.

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