What will happen in 1996 and why you will like it
Trent Reznor's new Nine Inch Nails CD (titled: i'm still depressed, but at least i'm getting laid) will be released. A few months later the remix CD (titled: i'm better-happy-dappy remixes) will follow.
Courtney Love will confess to murdering her husband Kurt Cobain, but excuses herself by saying, "He was really depressed, though."
Bill Clinton will win his re-election bid for President. The defining moment in the campaign comes when Bob Dole admits that his war wound actually came from an S & M game gone seriously awry during World War II.
Rolling Stone editor-in-chief Jann Wenner is overheard commenting that his magazine is totally behind the times, "but the average consumer can't tell because they're a bunch of stupid lemmings." Jann also admits that his new relationship has been taking up a lot of his time, which is the primary cause for the magazine's downward spiral. "Love, what can you do?"
Green Day headlines Lollapalooza '96 with Afghan Whigs, the Dogg Pound, Son Volt, Rocket From The Crypt, Porno For Pyros, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion and Rancid rounding out the mainstage acts. Surprise comes when Hootie & the Blowfish are named to the second stage in an attempt to lure the underground Frat Boy crowd that usually stays away from the festival.
Further Lolly news: Main Hootie Darrius Rucker is shot dead during a performance at Red Rocks in Denver, CO. The assassin is caught with a copy of Lies #5, citing the article "15 reasons to kill Hootie & the Blowfish" as reason for his acts. "I woulda killed the fucking fish if you wouldn't have thrown that chair at me," the killer says in a press conference. Lies Editor Matt Worley defends his printing of the article by saying, "We can't be held responsible if one of our readers is stupid and takes a satirical piece seriously. Stay in school. Don't do drugs."
Stephen King begins a series of true crime novels saying, "Real life has become scarier than werewolves and vampires for me. I've got to let my readers see the dangers of renting too many videos from a video store and then walking down a dark alley. That's the real horror these days." The first novel in the series, Taped Shadows, goes directly to the top of the bestseller lists.
Ann Rice writes Me & My Vampire Buddies, a fictional account of a dinner party between herself and her fictional vampire characters from The Vampire Chronicles. "In fiction you can be and do whatever you want," Rice explains.
Elastica lead singer Justine Frischmann breaks up publically with Blur's Damon Alburn to announce she has been having a secret affair with Lies Editor, Matt Worley since meeting him during the Lollapalooza '95 tour.
Guns N' Roses releases the three song LP titled Biting The Big One. The forty-seven minute long record (containing the five minute single "Choosing To Lose," the twenty-seven minute epic "Slouchin'" and the fifteen minute "Killer Softly") sells five million copies in two months, signaling many to comment that Punk Is Again Dead.
At the announcement of Punk's second death, the sales of punk albums rise as many record buyers stream into stores to preserve the memory of their beloved Punk.
Dan Ronrath rises from the grave, beats the shit out of Lies Editor Matt Worley for capitalizing on his death and is later killed once again while organizing a coup in Bolivia.
Upon the release of their new CD, ?Como Esta Agua?, the Ramones strenuously emphasize that this is definitely their last record and will break up as soon as the next tour is over.
Lies Magazine's circulation tops the 100,000 mark as the result of publicity from multiple copyright infringement lawsuits. Editor Matt Worley continues to tell people that he is broke and cannot pay writers or designers for their work as a result of this, but National Enquirer photographers catch the editor buying at a bar in Hawaii a round while vacationing with his girlfriend Justine Frischmann. While Matt is in Hawaii, Vice Editor Steve Brambach decides he's fed up with Albuquerque "and all those stuck up bitches" and moves Lies headquarters to San Francisco. Placing the office a mere five hundred feet from Might Magazine headquarters causes that magazine's staff to aquire a restraining order against Steve and the rest of the Lies staff because of Steve's repeated attempts to submit stories to them. "C'mon, Matt only prints half of what I write, I need bread man! I'm fucking good at this! C'mon!"
Roomate Dave gets a real job.
Record buyers realize that Punk isn't really dead and return a record two million copies of Green Day's Insomniac and four million of Guns N' Roses Biting The Bullet, resulting in those CDs being used as frisbees for the 1996 Summer Olympic Games in Atlanta. Most of the United States misses the airing of the frisbee toss competition because NBC chooses to re-run shots of Summer Sanders' swimsuit blowing up when she accidently belly-flops during compitition.
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore name their fourth child "Fuck," causing the word to be officially recognized as a non-cuss word. The word "Gunch" takes its place causing Willis to comment, "Bruce is a five letter word, too."
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