In honor of Lies lasting through the costly first year of existence, I thought I would go along with the cover theme. With every anniversary there has to be a decent relationship, and I therefore vowed to write about the ideal intimate relationship since I haven't perfected it in actuality yet.
Everyone needs sex. It's one of those cravings that neither religion or lack of a partner can prevent. The problem with sex is that, unlike the other cravings (food and drink), people have attached it to moralistic beliefs. Major mistake. If people get hungry enough, they will eat human flesh. If they are thirsty enough, they will suck the spit from a camel. So why do we expect extremely horny people to stay home and watch the 700 Club? My solution is (you knew I had one, didn't you) for everyone to be given a sex partner. While this sounds very basic, there are a few strings attached.
First of all, these partners are for sex only, and therefore no talking. The only time speaking is allowed would be to set up times for intercourse or suggestions of a new position. An example would be: "Why don't we see what we can do with that toothbrush." These partners are for nothing else but sex. No social engagements or showing off to friends. While this sounds like prostitution, it is a little bit different because the partners have the mutual right to call on one another for services. The key is that one cannot turn down the other. When one person calls, the two have to reach an agreement for a time to calm the urges (if you know what I mean). While a person can be really hungry, they can wait a few more hours before getting a bite.
The question that is most asked me when I present this concept is "why can't we talk?" I say that conversation adds too much confusion to the situation. The goal of most talking (by guys at least) is to get the girls into bed. Since it is already established that sex is already going to occur, everyone can be spared the lines "you look so hot tonight, baby" and "no, there's hardly any alcohol in a Long Island ice tea." What the intimate partner does is eliminate all of the bullshit from sex. There is no coaxing before hand, nor is there any after sex chatting about your favorite bands. The partners should not be considered friends, potential companions, or prostitutes. They can, at best, be described as `craving relievers.'
The reason this idea should work is that, since there is no talking, the partner can be the person you have always wanted. Everyone has an idea how a person is before they have even met them. If it is someone you are attracted to, you assume that person has all of the characteristics you want in a sexual partner. While this is a fantasy, people still like to cling to the idea that there is someone out there who is perfect for them.
The one example I will share with you is from my younger days back when raves were out of style in Britain but exciting and deviant for young kids in the States. For those who are not familiar with raves, they are when people break into warehouses, set up a sound system, and charge kids ten dollars or more to get in and dance all night (speed not included). At one of these hopping events, I saw a girl looking at me while I was jumping around to bad techno music. For reasons I will simply call cravings, I went up to the lass and quickly put my lips on to hers. It wasn't exactly as picturesque as the service man kissing a nurse, but I thought it was cool. About fifteen minutes into our groping each other, I realized that I had not spoken to her. I knew nothing about her so, as far as I knew, she was the perfect girl for me. After about twenty more minutes the rave ended, and I mumbled "Hi, my name is C.J." She mumbled hers back right before her friends took her away, and she was gone forever. I was mildly bummed that I would never see her again, but it was more depressing that I'd said anything at all. It would have been more poetic without me saying my name. And our lives should be poetic, shouldn't they?
So if people start agreeing to be sexual partners in the strict sense of the term, everyone can keep their fantasies about people they don't know. Girls can assume every guy is like Brad Pitt, and guys can assume that their partners are as intelligent as Pamela Anderson (Lee). I compare that with the fact that my editor thinks the cast of Friends are actually friends of his. Now that I have given everyone the answer to their sexual problems, go out and love, quietly dreaming of the perfect mate. If you don't like this idea, you are just going to have to accept people for who they actually are. And yes, there are only two choices.