The LIES key to U.S. politics, circa 1996

Presumed problem:

Welfare and Medicare are bankrupting the country

Presumed solution:

Kill all the poor people

Real problem:

Defense spending is bankrupting the country

Real solution:

Kill half the generals and half the weapons programs

Presumed problem:

The nation is facing a moral crisis

Presumed solution:

Life without parole for possession of a joint

Real problem:

The nation is facing a hypocrisy crisis

Real solution:

The death penalty for censorship; life without parole for attempted censorship

Presumed problem:

Immigrants are stealing our jobs and our way of life

Presumed solution:

Kill anyone who looks like they weren't born in Simi Valley

Real problem:

Rich white people are taking advantage of legal and illegal immigrants

Real solution:

Nuke Simi Valley, Mission Hills (KS), Rio Rancho (NM), Clearwater (FL), Salt Lake City and other centers of whitebread land

Presumed problem:

Affirmative action is taking jobs away from deserving white men

Presumed solution:

Reward rich white guys for whining loudly and taking advantage of everyone else

Real problem:

Rich white guys whining causes cancer in lab rats

Real solution:

Send Rush, Gordo and company on a special mission to the aforementioned centers of whitebread land

Presumed problem:

Kids can't pray in school; thus they turn to shooting each other

Presumed solution:

Mandate state-sponsored prayer and the posting of religious law

Real problem:

Kids think Jee-zus! is the latest comic book superhero (Come down from heaven, gonna kick your ass!)

Real solution:

Real teaching of religion as culture and philosophy

Presumed problem:

Hollywood keeps putting out movies, records and games full of sex and violence

Presumed solution:

"Shame" the big companies into acting "responsibly"

Real problem:

Most of the movies, records and games Hollywood puts out suck

Real solution:

Don't pay for the shit

Presumed problem:

Too many children are being born out of wedlock

Presumed solution:

Legislate morality

Real problem:

Too many children are beig born out of wedlock

Real solution:

More and better teaching of birth-control methods (including abstinence)

Presumed problem:

Environmental regulations are strangling business

Presumed solution:

Let companies pollute as much as they want

Real problem:

Air and water pollution may have been reduced, but there is still a problem

Real solution:

Keep the current laws; they seem to be doing a good job

Presumed problem:

Schools suck

Presumed solution:

Bring God back into the classroom and pay kids to attend private school

Real problem:

Schools suck

Real solution:

Encourage public school choice and pay teachers more money

Presumed problem:

The country is quickly going to Hell in a handbasket

Presumed solution:

Buy Republican snake oil

Real problem:

The Republicans are Goddamned annoying

Real solution:

Find a way to transmit AIDS on $100 bills and start bribing freely
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