So you want to find fame and fortune leading your own congregation of well-heeled folks who assuage their guilt by giving excessively to the church? Good for you! You've no doubt discovered that it takes absolutely no seminary training or even general knowledge of history in order to be ordained in many of the fast-growing fundamentalist cults (oops, I mean denominations).
The most important thing to do is learn how to proof-text using literal translations of the Bible. First rule: whenever possible, use quotes from Daniel (particularly the dream sequences) and Revelation. It is a well-established historical fact that the writers of these books were both seriously strung out on a middle-eastern form of opium and were not all there. You can use this to your advantage.
For example: A white woman in your church wishes to marry a black man. Well, this is simply not kosher. But without referring to the Jewish food rules, what can you do? Quote Daniel, my friend.
You shall be driven away from human society, and your dwelling shall be with wild animals. You shall be made to eat grass like oxen, you shall be bathed with the dew of heaven, and seven times shall pass over you, until you have learned that the Most High has sovereignty over the kingdom of mortals, and gives it to whom he will.
Daniel 4:25
What does it mean? Well, it was in a dream ol' Nebuchadnezzar had, but you can use it to scare the hell out of your parishioner. As long as you have exerted enough mind control over the woman to convince her that you are the conduit to God's grace, then the rest of the verse falls into place. If she doesn't take your advice, then she shall be made to live like an animal, which should play on her racial prejudices well enough. Problem solved.
As for sermons, just follow the conservative rhetoric of the day. If the Republicans have gone all the way over to the libertarian camp, then you can use the example of Saul and David and how God said his people didn't need an earthly king. If you want to talk about the evils of homosexuality, then a little Paul goes a long way. As for abortion, you can simply whip out "Thou Shalt Not Kill". This might conflict with your sermon on the death penalty ("An eye for an eye..."), so schedule those a few weeks apart. No use confusing the poor, rich souls.
Once you've scored the cash for a big church in the nice part of town, then you can consider one of two options: continue on and live out a provincial life with your minions, or hit the airwaves.
And I mean television, here. You should be on radio the first week. No excuse for messing that up. But television is fraught with peril. There's the additional cost of a new television studio/sanctuary, and of course the yearly face-lifts once you and your wife reach fifty.
Oh, don't forget the wife. If you're getting into the racket for the action, that's not a problem. But you have to have a wife. If she's ugly, slap a pound of make-up on her every week. God doesn't like ugly people. This is an important rule. After all, if some parishioner accuses you of plowing his wife's field, then you have to come back with, "I'm a happily married man. It's not like you have pictures." If he does, then you have to go the contrition route. That will be covered later.
Be sure to act holier-than-thou. These people do not want a man of the people who dresses like they do and acts like they do. If they wanted that, they'd still be down at the Methodist church. It is also very important to make sure your church is the A-list church in town. Recruit not just the wealthy, but the famous. This will increase your flock tenfold. Remember: a mayor is good, but the perky 11 p.m. news anchor is great.
Always do your taxes correctly. This may seem silly, but Uncle Sam is a pain in the butt, and while you can get away with a copping a feel from the homecoming queen now and then, the IRS is a little more touchy. You can't run a ministry out of jail. Your flock will leave.
If things do go desperately wrong and you have no plausible denials left, then you have to go the contrition route. Confess to your public sins, and leave out any that no one knows about. And important note: Don't use contrition twice. If you screw up again, then you might as well take the money and run. Sure, a few old ladies still send in a buck a month to Jimmy Swaggert, but he's not raking in the dough like the glory days. After you've been found out twice, find another scam, or move to a new town and start a new church.
Remember: people like a God that kicks ass, not a God who forgives everyone. I'll close with a quote that pretty much sums up fundamentalist philosophy:
Blessed are those who wash their robes, so that they will have the right to the tree of life and may enter the city by the gates. Outside are the dogs and sorcerers and fornicators and murderers and idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. Revelation 22:14-15
This is good children's sermon verse, because it teaches kids to wash their clothes. But don't use it when mentioning Mary Magdalene or even much about the life of Christ in general. You don't want to confuse your parishioners with a portrait of a compassionate God. Confused congregations do not fill the collection plates. Scared ones do. Make God out to be the ultimate tough-love, beat-your-kids-into-submission parent, and you can't go wrong.
Good luck in your new-found venture. May you have the fortune to see one of your parishioners offing an abortion doctor. Then you'll get all the free television you can handle, and your ministry will be overflowing.
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