Drug War Shootout in Southern California
WASHINGTON (DEA) -- A decisive victory in the drug war was fought and won by three DEA agents today in an undisclosed location near the Mexico/U.S. Border in Southern California. Four bags of heroin were spotted jaywalking across a busy thoroughfare, wearing fake mustaches and carrying what might have been heavy armament.
Unnamed agents, left anonymous so as not to blow their cover, were on top of their game as they shot a furious volley of sub-machine gun fire at the bags of heroin. One bag, only nicked in the shoulder, tried to duck into a nearby Mexican food restaurant and hid out in the bathroom until the DEA agents were able to break in. The bag apparently poured himself into a flushing toilet bowl, effectively committing suicide. Magic marker scrawls on the outer bag read: "Death to the straight! Viva Los Lobos!"
Another bag was killed outright by the agents when its outer bag was shredded and its crystal white insides were blown sky high into the air, incapacitating civilians standing by and watching the shoot-out. Many were heard to say, "Man, I just wanna sit down right here for a while."
The two remaining bags were caught and held for questioning. One claimed to only speak an ancient dialect from the Far East, while the other repeatedly said in English, "Shut up you stupid bastard, these guys are cops!"
In a related story, the members of the East Los Angeles rock group, Los Lobos, were questioned concerning the message on the outer bag of the heroin who committed suicide. A statement by the band's publicists insisted that the band was innocent in any part of the shooting and also stated, "What the band's fans do in their personal life is not controlled by the band in anyway. Any assumption that a fan's action is controlled by his or her favorite band is completely ludicrous."
DEA agents were headed to Albuquerque, New Mexico, to question the entire campus of the University of New Mexico, as the college's mascot is the Lobo and someone connected with the university might be responsible for the heroin bags' actions.
President Clinton hailed the actions of the undercover DEA agents and promised once again that "The drug war will continue as long as the actions out of control heroin and other narcotics continue to jeopardize the good and peace loving citizens of this nation."
In other news President Clinton has admitted he sometimes brings in an outside female dog to service his new "Buddy." Jokingly, Clinton was heard to say, "Buddy needs his bitches."
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