Alex: Welcome back to the championship of Zen Jeopardy. At the half way point, we've got a close game. Roshi Ken, you've got $6,500.
Roshi: Yes, Alex. But the money is not that important. The less I have, the more I have. That is the paradox, Alex.
Alex: Thanks, Roshi. Uh, Rabbi Bernstein. You're second with $5,000. I understand you're on sabbatical indefinitely.
Rabbi: That's true, Alex. People at my temple were constantly asking for spiritual guidance. Lao-Tzu said "Those who know do not say, and those who say do not know." Except on this show, of course. Anyway, members of the congregation got very tired of me telling them to figure it out themselves.
Alex: And Chip. Chip, you've got minus $3,000, which just proves that spiritual axiom, anything worth doing is worthy doing badly. Chip you're from Venice Beach. You run an in-line skate concession?
Chip: Right, dude.
Alex: And how has that changed your life, Chip?
Chip: Life? Like save the trick questions for the show, man.
Alex: Sure, Chip. Now, onto the second round, and don't forget, we've got the daily double. The categories for this round are "Sacred Sites," "Alternative Healing," "The Ineffable," "The Meaning of Life," "Quaint Religious Customs" and "Life in the Afterlife" Okay, Roshi Ken, since you're leading, you get the first choice. And remember panelists, in Zen Jeopardy, there are no wrong answers. Only those not contemplated. (He glances at Chip.)
Roshi: Thank you, Alex. (Roshi closes his eyes for several minutes.)
Chip: Like wake up, dude.
Roshi: Oh, Chip san, I am awake. It is you who are asleep in a dream you mistake for reality. Alex: You do need to choose, Roshi Ken.
Roshi: But, Alex, it is not a choice when you force me to choose.
Alex: I don't know how to answer that one, Roshi Ken. Judges, could we have a ruling? (Alex cocks his ear as if listening off stage) They say you must indicate a preference, even if you can't choose right now.
Roshi: Of course, Alex. Let's go with "The Ineffable," for $200.
Alex: Yes. The answer is "fish."
Roshi: (buzzes instantly) "What is the difference between a bicycle?"
Alex: Right.
Roshi: "The Ineffable" for $400.
Alex: The answer is "One With Everything." (long pause) Contestants, anyone want to take a guess?
Chip: What is the best way to order a hot dog?
Alex: Right, Chip.
Chip: Quaint religious customs for $200.
Alex: The answer is "A practical way of helping followers get closer to God, once used by the Catholic Church."
Rabbi: What is burning at the stake, Alex?
Alex: That's correct, Rabbi. We also would have accepted disembowelment, drawing and quartering, drowning and, of course, silent prayer.
Rabbi: Let's go with "Life in the Afterlife?" for $400.
Alex: The answer is, "The place where pedophile priests are sent for treatment."
Roshi: What is hell?
Alex: Correct, Roshi.
Roshi: Life in the Afterlife for $600.
Alex: The answer is, one is for those afraid of going to hell, the other is for those who have been there.
Rabbi: What is the difference between religion and spirituality?
Alex: Correct Rabbi.
(three weeks later)
Chip: The "Meaning of Life" for $10 million.
Alex: He encouraged people to "follow their bliss."
Rabbi: Who is Rodney Dangerfield?
Alex No. Chip?
Chip: Who is Timothy Leary?
Alex: No. Roshi?
Roshi: Who is Joseph Campbell?
Alex: Correct, Roshi. That's the end of this round. Now we go to the final Zen Jeopardy question. The category is "The Really Important Question." (Cut to tampon commercial.) Welcome back. The category is "The Really Important Question." The contestants have written down their wagers. Here we go. "Do you think Jesus could take Buddha in a fist fight?" (Contestants look at him blankly). Just kidding guys. Lighten up, already. The answer is, "It is the truth of our existence." Take your time. You have a lifetime to answer. (Fade out to sound of the Jeopardy song.)