Nougat and Gravy

News
News, by its very name, implies a change in the established routine. When everything is going along as expected, then something unexpected happens--that is news. If the sun comes up in the morning and sets in the evening, this is not news.

Given this simple fact, why does the entertainment news industry always feel it is important to recount the repetitive story of fallen country-singers? Small country boy plays a good tune. Local station or legend discovers boy and helps him to fame. Life on the road, the women, the money, and his new status lead him to drugs and alcohol--which in the South, it seems, always precedes a fall. Fallen country boy/star wallows briefly in pity and shame until he finds Jesus and a good woman (normally the girl who lived in the shack next to him his whole life but didn't know she loved him) and makes a come back. The sun comes up, the sun goes down. Now if that same good 'ol boy was chugging along in his hillbilly drama but upon the acquisition of his fame, money, women, and drug problems he decides, rather than going down in a ball of flames, he really likes the wicked lifestyle and decides he's going to worship Satan instead--well, this would be news. In fact, I can almost hear the Entertainment Tonight music playing under the lead-in line to this story.

"Today, in a shocking statement read by his manager, Clint Black has renounced his astoundingly boring life, wife, and status to return to his earlier days in country music. Clint, it seems, will start drinking a fifth of bourbon a day, sleeping with every loose-legged trailer dredge that wanders near his dressing room, and, most intriguingly, he will worship the Prince of Darkness for inspiration..."

Yes, that would be news.

Don't Cha' Think?
In my continuing quest to find cause and effect relationships, I have identified another possible connection. Troubled by Alanis' difficulty with keeping men, especially after going to the extraordinary length of a blow-hemmy in the movie theatre, I went searching for some answers. High and low I looked for possible reasons for her problem. She isn't hideously ugly. Looks like she bathes often. OK, she's cliché ridden and derivative, but that more often makes you popular in our society instead of shunned. No, I was having a real dickens of a time until I heard her play the harmonica, and then it became crystal clear.

The sound of her working that mouth-harp was worse than fingernails down the chalkboard, electrodes to my eyeballs, and tin foil bubble gum--all at the same time. As she raked her mouth up and down that poor instrument, pulling feline death yowls from it, I had an instantaneous flash--a vision, of that sorry man in the theatre--and suddenly I understood.

Cynicism in Check
In a move that will probably shock any of my readers who have come to understand my core-deep cynicism and its all-pervasive nature, I am officially going on record in full and unswerving support of Hanson. As much as I am sure that most, if not all, of my readers would want to beat up Hanson rather than listen to them, I am still backing them and I'll even give reasons.

My first reason for throwing the massive support of a Scott of Scottland endorsement behind those lads is the simple fact that they're covering their own shit. Lies, our prestigious and socially conscious forum, has founded and continues to promote a badly needed social campaign--The Everybody Gets Laid Foundation. We believe, simply enough, that everybody should get laid because it would make a better world, and where people aren't capable of doing themselves we like to believe that somehow we, through our foundation, could be of service. As you can imagine, the foundation is taxed to its very limits in trying to accomplish its task--and so far we have only tried to help ourselves. That is why it was with great pleasure to myself, and probably other members of the foundation, that three homely boys from Oklahoma have made a crossover into pop-stardom that, in our society, almost always guarantees groupies and gratuitous sex. From the look of them, if it hadn't been for music I am positive they would have eventually ended up seeking help from the foundation.

My second reason for the Hanson endorsement is that they are what they are and therefore have an excuse for what they have done. OK, so their songs and silly and juvenile--they are juveniles!!!! They have a legitimate excuse. Christ, the average age for the band has got to be 13... 14 tops. I can forgive a 13-year-old a mindless pop song or a derivative love song. If I'm going to bloody my teeth over bad music, I'm going after the real offenders--adults who should know better. Plus, and this is the really sad and telling statement, with their two hits they have shown more range than 99% of our popular singers who can't seem to find anything but love to wail endlessly about--and these are people who have professional songwriters working for them.

Rake Fight
This column doesn't just throw short bursts of opinion out in rapid-fire motion, though it is what we do best, but it is also a place to find contemplative ideas that, if meditated upon, can enrich lives and provoke deep, thoughtful dialogue. So in the vein of our rich tradition I propose this latest question: Who would win in a no-holds-barred rake fight to the death, the Spice Girls or the Go-Go's (circa 1982-3)?

Please send your answers to Lies with a detailed reason for your answer.

****OK, OK, I can't just leave this one as a question, I must throw in my opinion--but please don't let it stop you from responding with yours (we may even print the best of the responses in the next issue--then again, we may not). I'm backing the Go-Go's if this fight were ever to take place. Though the Spice Girls look to be in better shape than the Go-Go's of the early eighties, I think the weight advantage of the Go-Go's would anchor their swings better, cause deeper wounds in their opponents, and protect their vitals better to see them through to victory.
return to the subbasement.