Used Gods For Sale
an Understood Babble column by Chris Jungle
Almost everybody likes to think there's somebody, somewhere, somehow watching them in some way, and there's not a thing wrong with that. We all have hopes and dreams, and it doesn't hurt at all to have an omnipotent presence on our side. When no one will back you up or take your side or believe you're destined for greatness, put your faith in an entity that will smile upon you. Everyone needs a God--and don't say you don't want one because you're only hurting yourself with that negative behavior.
A lot of people are turned off by Gods because they feel they have to make a lifetime commitment to them. This is a myth and a falsehood. Leasing a God can be just rewarding as owning one. In my teenage years, I myself went through dozens of Gods. Jim Morrison, Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, Bob Marley, John Coltrane, and many more. But don't feel you have to narrow your God to one individual. Polytheism can be just as rewarding. I worshipped Iron Maiden and the cast of Cheers, and the experience was just as rewarding. I hear the Crossfire Gang is a fun group of Gods.
Many folks choose to follow actors and actresses. Those are some popular Gods nowadays, and if you're willing to pay the seven dollar tithe for hour and a half glimpses of their glory, you too can claim Will Smith, Harrison Ford, and Jodie Foster as your supreme being. If you're interested in the insanely beautiful, models have really blossomed into a fabulous group of Gods. If Aphrodite worked for the Greeks, Nikki Taylor and Naomi Campbell will be just fine for our culture.
Interested in more of a tough God? There's a whole line of athletic Gods just waiting for public approval. You can choose from range of seasoned veteran Gods like Michael Jordan and Troy Aikman, or choose from some up and coming Gods with potential like Tiger Woods and Alex Rodriguez. You really can't go wrong with athletes because if they fail, it's so easy to grab a new one. Remember, new jerseys are being sold everyday. Check your nearest Footlocker.
Of course, Gods don't have to be human. Many people choose humans because they like to think their God is just like them. There are, however, many fine object Gods around. Television has been good to many people, and if you ask some members of the staff of Lies, they swear it will eventually bring world peace. Clothes also can be a comfortable deity. Many followers of this faith claim that when everything looks good, then everything is good. There's probably some merit in thinking that way. Other fine objects to worship include cars, money, drugs, the lottery, magazines (especially Lies), the sun, the moon, the stars, and the information superhighway.
You may want a God based on stories. There are a number of selections to choose from. There's the big Three: Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha. I know people say Buddhism is a "philosophy," and Mohammed is just a prophet of Allah, but if you're going to be into their way of living, you might as well give them the God credit they deserve. Anything by L. Ron Hubbard's characters are acceptable, while Kilgore Trout and Holden Caufield have a lot to offer as spiritual guides. Some people bicker over whether the Gods from stories are really real, but it's irrelevant in the long run. I you want them, and you like them, no one else should mess with your bliss with technicalities like whether events actually occurred. A God from a good fictional story is worth worshipping just as much as a God that truly existed, and sometimes they cost a lot less.
Maybe you don't like Gods from existing stories. Well, why not make up your own? If you need a starting point, begin by saying your God is an alien. That way nobody can denounce your story because all you have to do is say "You've never seen my alien God because it's not actually on Earth, but someday it will take me away." Feel free to take ideas from TV shows and movies and books (Communion is pretty popular), but make sure to mask it in some way. If you use ideas from several different sources, it will seem brand new. Trust me.
If you can't make up your own alien story, you can always follow one that already exists. There's no shame in hopping on somebody else's bandwagon. If you get on it early enough, you might even make disciple status.
If you're still not convinced you need a God, think of the alternative. Living a life of sleeping, eating, bitching how taxes are too high and company benefits are too low, and dying two years before scientists figure out how humans can safely experience orgasms twenty-four hours a day. Makes me want to pray just thinking about it.
With every God, there is a price, and every person out there has to honestly ask the question of how much they want to pay for their God. Some Gods require a lot of time and little money, some request a lot of money and a little faith, some want nothing but your eternal soul. There's really a lot to choose from, and with all of these selections, there's never been a better time to buy. So go out there and look for a God. Shop around, kick the tires, take the test drive, and more important than anything else, never settle for the sticker price. And don't worry about making a poor choice, because there's a new God right around the corner.
return to the subbasement.