Ivan O'Uris: Poet
by Mark Moyer, Erik Pointer & Shawn Roney

Introduction: A few facts about Ivan O'Uris

Ivan O'Uris was born in Luscia (pronounced LUSH -- as in "Why don't you get off your fat, lazy ass and get a job, you drunken..." -- and UH -- as in "Uh, what was I supposed to get from the store?"), an uncharted island in the North Atlantic mostly known for its wine made from tree bark and an abnormal fascination with Charlie's Angels re-runs. The island was founded by people from Liechtenstein, Ukraine, Spain, China, Ireland and Algeria, all of whom arrived there at the same time. Keeping the country's melting pot history in mind, Ivan's parents, named Mr. and Mrs. O'Uris, christened him Ivan von Slovsky Gutierrez Xing Pho Mumbotopo O'Uris XIII. To save his teachers from getting writer's cramp from writing his name in the attendance book, he was called Ivan O'Uris for short -- or I. O'U. for even shorter.

O'Uris' writing career began in grade school, when he began penning school plays for his classmates to perform. All of them reflected his early influences: 1970s American crime dramas and situation comedies, which were broadcast over Luscian television. In some of them, he blatantly copied lines from such shows as Police Woman and Charlie's Angels.
These petty acts of plagiarism have haunted him to this day, not because he copied another's words, but because he can't believe he had the bad taste to crib from someone like Aaron Spelling.

O'Uris' writing career took off in high school as a staff writer for the island newspaper, The Luscian O'Buenklava (O'Buenklava is an old Luscian word meaning, "Paper best used for lining one's birdcage.") He moved to the U.S. Midwest at age 19, when his number was drawn in a lottery to select an individual to leave the island for 25 years to help keep the population at 12,000 and prevent the island from sinking. Since his immigration here, he has continued writing as The Luscian O'Buenklava's U.S. correspondent, contributing essays and creative writing.

The poems included here were originally published in Luscia, but were presumed lost. Actually, it turned out they were simply misplaced. O'Uris still had them in his possession, but he's a sloppy housekeeper. He has asked us (Mark Moyer, Erik Pointer & Shawn Roney) to document and submit his poetry to help make his work known outside his native land. Also, O'Uris is afraid to mail them himself, as he hold certain conspiracy theories about a plot between the U.S. Postal Service and The Walt Disney Company to stage a military coup.

A Brief Chat Between David Mamet And Quentin Tarantino
by Ivan O'Uris

Mamet: "Hey, Quent."
Tarantino: "Hey, Dave."
Mamet: "Fuck you, Quent."
Tarantino: "Fuck you, too, buddy."
Mamet: "See you later, motherfucker."
Tarantino: "Fuckin'-A right, man."

Ivan wrote this after watching Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Glengary Glenn Ross back-to-back-to-back. For the next week, he cursed in every sentence. This came to a head when someone asked how he was and he replied, "I'm fucking great. How the fuck are fucking you?" -- in a church.

Because I Could Not Stop For Death -- The Realistic Version
by Ivan O'Uris
(after Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me
And then he threw me out of his carriage
Because I smelled like shit

This poem was completed as Ivan had just begun reading Emily Dickinson's poetry. At the same time, he said he was moving away from the David Mamet/Quentin Tarantino influence. Thus, the poem shows a blending of those styles and the beginning of a reliance on Emily Dickinson's words.

I Heard A Fly Buzz When I Died -- Also The Realistic Version
by Ivan O'Uris
(after Emily Dickinson's "I Heard A Fly Buzz When I Died")

I heard a fly buzz
When I died
In fact, I heard a lot of flies
Buzz when I died
Maybe it was because
I smelled like shit

Another Dickinson-cribbed/Mamet-and Tarantino-influence poem. It also shows a certain obsession with fecal matter.

Paranoid
by Ivan O'Uris
(after Emily Dickinson's "Nobody")

Hi, I'm paranoid
Who the hell are you?
Are you paranoid, too?
Well, what the fuck are you doing here?

Ivan accidentally shred the original copy of this poem, as it had mysteriously wound up in his blender. One Robert C. Jones helped find the presumed missing last line, or rather spat it out after he almost choked on it while eating a piece of Ivan's banana cream pie. Ivan had mixed the filling in his blender with the line intact.

Bedtime Prayer Of A Modern Nihilistic Kid
by Ivan O'Uris
(after the traditional prayer, "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep")

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My soul to keep.
If I should die
Before I wake,
Then, fuck it, I'm dead.

When this poem was completed, Ivan said there were two influences in his work: Christianity and--surprise, surprise--Mamet and Tarantino.

Optimists And Pessimists
by Ivan O'Uris

The optimist says
The glass of water is half-full
The pessimist says
The glass of water is half-empty
I just drink the water and say,
"You're both wrong, you stupid, thirsty bastards."

Ivan said this poem was inspired during a lecture in philosophy class. He fell asleep and woke up when he fell in the glass of water sitting on top of his desk.
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