Cater to My Purchasing Power
an Understood Babble column by Chris Jungle

As I sit in front of the television, something is really starting to stick in my craw. It seems that I'm not watching the correct programs anymore. Not because the main character's thirty second ramblings are no longer amusing, or because the score is 9-1 in the seventh inning of a game with two teams I don't root for, or even because the I realize the beautiful women on television who say they love me aren't really talking to me. The programs themselves are still the eye candy of my life, but the advertising for everything I watch doesn't seem to be catering to my lifestyle.

One example came when I was watching a favorite show of mine called Where's My Asshole? (all shows will be given fictitious names due to the fact that I might name a show that may have a rating too strong for young viewers). During the break of a particularly funny episode, a commercial for an Infiniti came on. Now, I don't know how many people spend thirty grand on a car, but I'm not one of them. In fact, everyone I know who watches Where's My Asshole? is too poor to buy a thirty thousand dollar car. I'm suddenly starting to think I don't make enough money to watch the show anymore, and I hate to feel inferior when watching TV.

Other commercials that come on during my shows aren't selling products out of my price range, just out of my lifestyle. During episodes of Never Fear the Queer, Mexico City Law Enforcement (M.C.L.E.), and Harem in Harlem, I saw both McDonald's and Burger King commercials. While in the past I have eaten at these food chains, I gave up on them for the simple reason that I would eat there and be full for only about a half an hour afterwards. Apparently, people who watch those shows eat there a lot, but since it's not part of my lifestyle, maybe I should quit being a viewer. I hate to talk in such drastic terms especially when on the next episode of M.C.L.E., Pablo goes on a special out of town assignment to take care of those Chiapas punks.

Then, there's all of the televised sporting events I view on a regular basis. I couldn't get through the lacrosse game between the Pillagers and Rapists without being bombarded by the advertising of beer. And we're not even talking about the good beer. Bud, Coors, Molsen. I have no problem with drinking while watching sporting events. In fact, I have signed petitions saying that every drug on earth should be legal to consume while watching a sporting event. You haven't really seen a football game until you're surrounded by smack addicts and coke hounds. The thing that bothers me about the beer ads is that it is so specific. Sure, I like a beer during a game, but I enjoy other vices just as much. Overkill of advertising a product I use can be just as insulting as selling products I'd never use.

Then, there are the television ads which I don't think apply to anyone, but they still have them on my shows. During an addictive late night show called Fry, Kitty, Fry, there were three different ads for Trojan condoms. I believe condom companies should have the right to advertise, but anyone watching a kitten named Patchkin narrowly escaping death from the evil unemployed kennel man, Zukes, every week at 1:30 in the morning isn't going to be needing any condoms for a while. Sometimes, I wonder what studio executives tell advertisers their prime viewing markets are, and why advertisers believe them.

I'm contemplating whether I should just flip through the channels until I find a commercial that is selling a product I purchase and use on a regular basis and then watch the show regardless of plot or entertainment value. At least then I will be able to watch the show comfortably and confidently knowing that I'm in the correct sales market for the show.

By the way, if anyone knows of a show where the commercials are trying to sell Dos Equis beer, Doritos, grass fertilizer, hiking boots, saxophones, lighters, work gloves, really good spicy salsa, baseball hats, Mountain Dew, Iron Maiden memorabilia, book clubs, foreign aphrodisiacs, snake oil, rain in a jar, screens for pipes, funeral insurance, monkeys from Africa, and peace and love for all the world including all those punk asses who never did a good deed their entire lives, I would be its biggest fan.

Unless that happens, I'm afraid I'm watching shows that are not truly meant for me to watch, and it's a fluke I'm staring at anything at all. I guess I could say I'm watching television under protest, but no one ever buys that one. Besides, I really do enjoy watching Slaughterhouse Five: The Series, even if there are too many tampon commercials during it for my comfort.

Chris Jungle can be reached at chewfly@earthlink.net.

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