Morning, Noon and Night I'll Give You--What?!?
by Lisa Black
I thought it all had to be some kind of sick joke. There was no way in the world what my friend was saying could be true. But since I couldn't really verify it with my parents or anyone else with any kind of authority over my life, I had to listen to what my best friend, Kathy Engleberger, was telling me. She was in ninth grade--I was still a member of the middle child grade: numero ocho.
"It's kind of like a warm chocolate bar, I guess."
"Is it sticky?" I asked.
"Not at first. Eventually I got my lip gloss all over it, so it was kind of waxy."
"Bubble gum?"
"No, watermelon."
"I hate watermelon."
"Oh, Lisa my dear, you'll learn."
"So what did he do?"
"Nothing. I don't know if he was staring at my head or just looking through the windshield or what. I kept thinking he should say something, but then about half way through, I was really glad he didn't."
"So, what's it taste like?"
"You know when you're sick and you've got a lot of phlegm sliding down the back of your throat?"
"Yeah."
"It's a lot like that."
"I thought you said it was like a warm chocolate bar."
"It doesn't taste like a fucking chocolate bar. Most of the time it's just like licking someone's arm, except warmer and there's only hair at the very bottom."
"So what happened after?"
"I drank, like, half my Coke, and then he drove me home."
"He didn't do anything to you?"
"No, I did this and he didn't really want to touch me at all afterwards, like I had the plague. But I guess it's easier than trying to stop him from fucking me all the time. I don't think they can fuck after that. They're, like, done for a while."
"I guess that's kind of cool." I was trying to see the point of the exercise, and the one shining hope was that the guy wouldn't try to jam his hand down my pants in a desperate attempt to find something to play with.
"Haven't you ever, y'know, used your hand?"
"On myself?"
"No--on a guy."
"Oh, well, not really. I've never seen one. Well, not in real life."
"It's not like that movie we saw at Johnny's house. It doesn't take that long at all."
"So you just went out and did this, and then he took you home?"
"Well, we went to a movie first."
"I wish I could go out with someone who could drive."
"Your day will come, sweetheart. Just do those exercises I told you about. Everything will come out okay."
The first time didn't happen for a year or so. It was a nice atmosphere at least. We were in the woods on a warm Saturday afternoon. There were nature sounds all around, a gentle breeze blowing through the trees and the guy (Jackie Charlburn--I think he's married now) was cute. We'd been out for ice cream, and it was our third date. After a bit of kissing and messing around, I thought I'd see if the "shut up, calm down" routine would work.
He calmed down immediately. I think he was surprised for a second. And then he started talking.
"Oh yeah, that's right, baby. Oh, you're a good girl, aren't you? Yeah, baby, that's the way to go. All right, yeah. Yeah." And so on. No matter what I did, he wouldn't shut up. I scraped my teeth a bit, but he only flinched and kept talking his stupid talk. I had to do something.
"Jesus Christ, shut up! You're making me lose count!"
"Huh? What? What are you doing?"
"Nothing. This is just stupid. I don't know what the hell I'm doing."
"You're doing good. Really."
"If I finish will you shut up?"
"Yeah."
That was the last time I went out with Jackie. A few years later, when other routines were added to my repertoire, it didn't seem like such a big deal. I just didn't understand why the act had to be so one-sided (especially since this kind of thing was supposed to bring couples closer together). I didn't find out until my first year of college that the action could go both ways. So to speak.
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