A totally irresponsible rant about drugs, drinking, gambling and all those other things we call vices
by the Lies Staff
"Drugs are neat and you can find them relatively cheap. And when you do 'em people think that you're cool." -- "Drugs Are Good" by NOFX
We've done it all, trust us. And most of us are still around to talk about it. The secret isn't a healthier constitution or counseling or interventions or anything like that. We've been broke, depressed and curled up in closets, caught by cops while pissing of a balcony, driven drunk at 70 mph up and down mountain roads, smoked a bong in front of the police, cleaned the needle with spit shine, had unprotected sex, spent our last $10 at the dog track, eaten hot dogs and cheap mustard for weeks, shoplifted, spent $200 on liquor for only four people, vomited all over the dorm room floor because we couldn't move, punched and kicked windows with bare body parts, tried to outrun the cops, and gotten into fights because someone didn't like our use of the word "fuck." This is just the short list.
You might wonder how we're all still alive without having to pay a therapist to tell us we're still sane, or without following a bunch of steps and degrading ourselves with statements like, "I will always be an alcoholic for as long as I live--even if I don't drink again for 50 years." Here's our secret:
1. Common Sense. Authority figures can't trust you to realize when you've had enough of whatever it is your doing. They like to go the route of "Don't! Don't! Don't! Ever!" They did the same thing with sex and Pauly Shore movies. It's just not logical to think that, as opinionated and curious beings, we're not going to try things. Moderation is the key word here. And moderation doesn't mean only getting drunk on the weekends. It means taking only as much as is necessary and then stopping. The best thing to do is realize what you can handle and what you can't. If you drive when you shouldn't be driving (and while we think there should be designated drivers for any type of intoxicating activity, we realize there are times you really need to get home), take a route you know. Don't take the Interstate. We used to say the only thing we learned in high school was how to drive drunk. It taught us to have a 'drunk way home.' That road less traveled we knew how to negotiate with little thinking. With this in mind, realize there are times when you can't drive and, yes, a six pack in an hour is a lot of beer. Don't be stupid--stupid people get caught.
2. Research. Before doing a substance or playing craps, know the rules and regulations. Create an environment that is conducive to your activity. If you're going to do acid, don't play death metal. Watch a couple Simpsons episodes and let the 3-D Homer tell you the way. Don't take mushrooms two hours before having to be at work. No one likes a clerk who shouts at the customers about their CD buying habits. If you don't want to stay up for hours on end while chatting on and on about something you wouldn't even care about if your shoes were on fire, don't do speed, cocaine, cat, meth or anything with 'amphetamine' in the title. Realistically, you probably don't need to be more awake than three Dr. Peppers will get you, but it's your choice. In other words, if you only know how to play blackjack, don't play poker just because there's a game starting up and the people look nice.
3. Common Sense. I don't know how much we can stress this. Don't go out drinking if you have to be at work at six in the morning. Don't get stoned all night if you have homework or jobwork to do. Don't stay up for three days on speed because you want to go on a diet. Moderation is not abstinence, it is the way to stay alive and still have an option of not being sober all the time. If you can't go to a casino without spending your rent money, don't go. If you can't buy scratch off tickets in bunches less than 10, stay away from convenience stores. If you can't be happy without being passed out on the floor, drunk, you might need to redefine happiness for yourself.
4. Things we should mention. Maybe we should mention that doing illegal things can put you in jail--but you know that. Maybe we should mention that many jobs require drug tests and, believe it or not, you have to be clean for more than a couple days to pass them. Maybe we should mention that some people live in bars, or that a few people die from not knowing their limits. Maybe we should mention moderation one more time. Moderation doesn't mean being a tee-totaler, it means knowing what you can and can't do and living with it. Not using moderation (in anything) is being stupid. And if we're intolerant about a certain type of people at Lies, it's stupid people.
5. Have a nice day.
return to the LIES #13 page page.
return to the LIES home page.
return to the A&A home page.