BONDAGE TOUR '97

by Scott Parkinson

Interactive, interactive, interactive--this seems to be the catch word of the 90's. People want to form a relationship with their entertainment that goes beyond the traditional sponge mode, and why shouldn't they? The TV is an excellent form of worship, but when you grow tired of being preached at and want a way to respond--where ya' gonna' go? The internet? Sure, a few prompts and an e-mail address is better than nothing, but it's a long way from being there for you. We here at Lies understand that and have taken a bold new step in the direction of true interaction.
Forget angry phone calls and letters to express your dissatisfaction, or sticky essays of praise for a job well-done (OK, you can keep sending those in, if not for you then for us--we're so pathetic that way), they more often fall into piles bound for the waste bin. No, not for you, our gentle readers, you deserve better and we are going to give it to you. Forget the one-way entertainment of the past, or the pseudo-interactive of the present, coming this summer, Lies, will offer you, and only you, Lies readers a chance to be the first to participate in the dawning of a new era. In a shocking move away from tradition and stagnation we will push into the newest of communication frontiers--Human Contact.
That's right. You heard correctly. We ain't lying to ya (though that wouldn't be beyond us). In a stunningly brazen move, Lies will send author, story-teller, gymnast, and megalomaniac Scott Parkinson (and a bodyguard to be named later) on the road to meet and bond with our readers in the First Annual Lies Bondage Tour.
Interested? Intrigued? Aching to rub elbows with a true genius (OK... OK...Matt, I'll stop, but there are some out there that really do think like that--even when they're sober)? Or just bored and looking for something to do with your time this May and June? Well, now's your chance to pony up to the line and be a part of this earth shaking development in entertainment. Just write or e-mail us here at Lies with your name, address, phone number, and ten reasons why not killing Scott is a good thing, and we will put you down on the list as a stop on Bondage Tour '97. It's that simple.
You can spend the day with a real Lies writer doing whatever you want. Take him to the beach, to work, to a party; just take him and he's yours. Need a little yard work done? He's a stout lad. Got an ugly sister that needs a Prom date? He's got an ugly tuxedo. Got a drink that can stun a moose? He'll swallow anything. Anything you want, short of death, this boy can do. And he's yours for the low asking price of just asking.
Afraid of not having enough room for Scott and his bodyguard? Don't worry about those boys, they're writing commandos. They can live on saw dust and nails, sleep in rat-infested sewers (though couches or beds are preferred), and still be more fun than eel-and-butter wrestling. Don't let their comfort be an obstacle to your fun--you deserve more than that (The new Lies motto).
So join up now and be the first on your block to have their own writer, and then, hopefully, be a prominent part of a future Lies issue. You could be the one that made Scott understand the meaning of nougat, or taught him the proper way to be intimate with sheep--anything you want to become public record will be noted and filed for the Bondage Tour '97 Report. Fame is inches away, just reach out and touch someone.**

** This is a real stunt and not just gibberish. You really can have your can and eat it too.

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