Beginning your journey into the heart of alien culture...
by Mattman
Everything started sometime last spring when we were flipping channels and landed on a new Alice In Chains video. The eerie harmonies and rhythmic chopping of guitar parts caused the comment, "Alice In Chains is signaling the aliens that now is the time to attack Earth," to spurt forth from our collective mouths.
Apparently someone up there was listening. As we'd been warned somewhat during the Superbowl, the aliens landed on July 2nd. We're not psychics or anything, you knew this was coming. The "X-Files" is Fox's highest rated show. The most successful new sit-com replacement last TV season was the campy "Third Rock From The Sun." And now Independence Day breaks all the money making records theater box offices have to offer. So what is going on with all this alien shit? Why are people throwing around alien conspiracy theories like they don't have anything better to think about? And why doesn't anyone laugh when I suggest that the whole alien visitation phenomenon is just a tall tale concocted to deflect suspicion about what really happens on drunken Friday nights in the neighbor's barn?
So we've done some compiling, some researching (no really!) and some blathering on. All of it (well, most of it) is here for you to see. And to start things off, I'll go ahead and let the secret out of the bag on how the screenwriter wrote the story for Independence Day in less than a month.
July 2nd: Watch the TV mini-series "V" and its sequels. For a little more shoot-'em-up, check out War Of The Worlds.
July 3rd: For helplessness, a bit of cardboard character building and conspiracy theories galore, check out JFK.
July 4th: Return Of The Jedi minus the Tatooine preamble.
And now we return you to our regularly scheduled program. We hope you enjoy it. And believe us when we say we are trying to be really objective and open-minded about everything. But, to be totally honest, I can't see paying more than the $3 we shelled out for Independence Day. It may not be the "worst movie ever" that Bill Maher dubbed it, but it's not the "most action, best movie of all time," as the guy standing by the bike racks giving his own instant review outside the theater told anyone who would listen. Not that big super huge movies can't suck, I mean, have you seen Jurassic Park lately?
So, on to the real aliens...
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